The Mallory Swearing Cure

“The 2018 Nobel Peace Prize goes to Dr. Thomas Mallory for pioneering changes in languages.” Dr. Mallory rose from his seat at his table in Stockholm to receive a diploma, a medal, and a document confirming an undisclosed prize amount. As he walked to the podium, he remembered his harrowing childhood where his dream began and how he got to this momentous occasion.

Since he was very young, Tom grew tired of people who swore and cursed. Growing up in a Bronx apartment in New York City, he frequently heard his parents shouting at one another with filthy language. Outside, he often heard gangs that infiltrated the streets with the same language. Tom would sit on his bed as the world seemed to verbally battle one another. Soo many four-lettered words being used constantly. He didn’t know why he disliked such language. Instead, he immersed himself in books – all sorts of books. what interested him the most were science books, especially chemistry.

He graduated from high school and four years later, college. There he took as many foreign language courses as he could, combined with science classes. Then Tom spent 7 years attending medical school and graduated as “Dr. Mallory”. He decided to specialize in “ENT” – ear, nose, and throat.

Although he became successful in his career, he never forgot the poor conditions he came from. Tom couldn’t get the swearing and cursing out of his mind.

One of the many books he had read earlier in his life was the Holy Bible. One account of the Bible’s first book, Genesis, described the Tower of Babel, when most of the world came together to build the highest monument that would reach the heavens. The Lord of Creation was not happy with anyone trying to be his equal, so He made the people of Babel speak different languages so they couldn’t understand one another.

This event inspired Tom decided to specialize in ENT. He wondered how language could be changed over a period of many centuries and experimented changing letters to other letters. He compiled all of the words used for cussing in English and changed them using algorithms on his computer. The process was hard work and it took years before he had a product ready to use for the general public.

At the ceremony in Stockholm, as Tom walked up on stage, he thanked the Nobel Peace Prize organizers who chose him for his achievement. At the same time, a screen descended from the ceiling and he began to operate a video.

“The world is filled with people who use profanity. In the United States, it’s called cussing or swearing. Would a country be more peaceful if people stopped swearing at each other?”

He turned on the video and let it play. A car rear ends another vehicle. The drivers get out and start a harsh conversation. The anger grew and they began yelling at each, cursing each other. The video camera operator came up to them and spritzed the space between them with a mist. Within seconds the harsh language they spewed at each other changed:

“You hit my car you, dumbdot!” The other man gazed at him in confusion. “What the dash did I sening say?” “I don’t care, you son of a rose!… Wait!… What did I just say, bot it?” “What the sen?”

The video stopped and Dr. Mallory looked around the audience. He took out a vial with some liquid in it and sprayed it into his mouth. Then the good doctor waited a few seconds. Then he opened his mouth and said, “Bam, bit dot, bot, dash, rose, sen, cat.” There! I just cussed at everyone. I tried my best to use the original cuss words, but the mist I took in forced me to say the words you just heard.”